Ive had a hankering for fresh figs lately. What is surprising is that I have not thought about fresh figs for a long time. They have such a remarkable texture and taste. But where are they?

I have been to a number of supermarkets and asked the produce manager about figs. They looked at me as if I had asked when to expect the next big sale on rutabagas or how to prepare watercress. (I asked for watercress too. Same look).

I looked on the web to see if figs had become extinct. It seems not. They exist in California and Greece. Some sites offered to ship me some but I worry that they would be confiscated as possible bombs. Besides, who can depend on figs he cant pick up and sniff?

I figured that supermarkets didnt know what was good and virtuous so I went to health food stores that featured natural stuff. Same look. I was told that, not only did they not have figs, but that figs were not even on their inventory list to be ordered. They couldnt get figs if they wanted them.

Some of the produce managers felt sorry for me and suggested fig Newtons or dried figs. Oh, the infidels! Dried figs indeed! How sharper than a serpents tooth.

I have two fig trees on my patio, in pots. They have no intention of making figs. In fact, they have a hard enough time holding on to their leaves. I got them at Walmart so I guess I cant expect them to be more than decorative. (Walmart friends, dont be upset, I love Walmart; I just dont think their garden offerings are in the same class as Johnny Appleseed).

So here I stand, figless. I dont know where to turn. Honor will not permit me to resort to Newtons or dried figs; one must live up to ones code.